Wait for it...

Everyone hold your breath...

I Finally...

finally...

finally...

GOT A JOB!

After months of performing at a level of crappiness that I didn't even know was possible, someone saw through the awful and decided to offer me a job - - - YES!

Briann and I like to say that I've booked my first national tour. This is true if you believe that national only means Ohio, and if by tour you mean we perform for four days at one venue.

Well, the company calls it a tour anyway. 

The other news about the "tour" is that it is for children...children's theatre. Now, those of you that know me well are already laughing at the awkwardness that my life is about to be engulfed in. You see, I don't exactly love kids. Let's get real, I don't even really like kids and now I'm working for a company that builds in time for the kids to touch me and transmit their germs to me by way of the thinly veiled "autograph singing sessions." 

I thought to myself, "I can do this. It's just 10 minutes after the show, and only the creepy kids will like me since I'm playing the Wicked Stepmother in Cinderella. Okay!" Then I show up for the first day of rehearsal when they drop the bomb. Each cast member will be required to host an hour long teaching session with a group of 40 kids. 

Cold sweat beads start to form on my forehead.

My hands get clammy and numb.

I start to shake and am unable to stop of my own accord.

40 KIDS, BY MYSELF??? I may not have mentioned that I also have a fear of public speaking. You're probably thinking to yourself, "She's an actress - how can she be afraid to speak in front of others?" Well, let's keep in mind that while onstage I am playing a role - almost never myself. I was the kid in class who gave the painful science class presentations with the paper nearly shaking itself out of my hand while I stared at it wondering if it could magically transform me into Oprah because, well, Oprah's awesome and she could definitely give this presentation without feeling like she was going to pee her pants and wanting to die. Please God...Please let me be Oprah for just these 10 minutes of my life, or at least teleport me to Sweden or something.

I leave for Ohio on Tuesday and I'll be packing light.

One pair of jeans.

Two shirts.

Three bottles of wine.

Dear Lord - wish me luck!

 - J